Looking back on Mum’s last days at Regis Residential Care, she was slowly losing interest and becoming agitated with things around her.
On Friday 7th of June, I wheeled Mum down to the Regis Happy Hour. This was our usual Friday activity, something Mum enjoyed. We were entertained either by an individual or a group of musicians or entertainers. Residents were brought down from Mews (the secure wing) by family or joined us from the open wings. Alcoholic drinks are served to the residents and soft drinks to visitors. I usually ordered a wine for Mum, but she had recently found the taste unpalatable, so as not to waste it I felt obliged to drink it for her, she then drank my lemon, lime and bitters. Mum was being unusually obnoxious so I left her there to take a break. The staff found me to let me know I couldn’t leave her unattended. They could see Mum had upset me, so then arranged for a carer to sit with her. Mum knew she had upset me.
This particular Friday there was a large singing-musical group with various stringed instruments and a keyboard. One of the songs chosen was ‘When I’m 64’. I said to Mum it was very appropriate as I was turning 64 the following day, Saturday. I felt the Lord was in this choice and felt especially blessed He had remembered me on this occasion.
Early Thursday morning after spending three weeks in Perth with Mum, Kat left for another five weeks of work on the ocean. Both she and I commented that Mum wasn’t acting her usual self. She was grumpy, argumentative, agitated and more confused than usual. We both thought she might be coming down with something as these were usually signs she was unwell. Jen who had spoken to Mum on WhatsApp had noticed the same. Before I left that Friday evening, I asked if the doctor could take a look at her, take blood and see if she had an infection.
When I visited on Saturday at 2pm, Mum was in the activity room, dozing in her wheelchair. We went downstairs to escape from the secure wing and for a change of atmosphere but Mum showed no interest in her surroundings or her outing, which she usually enjoyed, so we came back upstairs. Instead, I suggested she have a lie down before dinner and tucked her into bed. Recently I have been finding it very difficult to help her to the toilet or to put her into bed as she no longer seemed to have the strength or the coordination. The staff helped me get her comfortable before I left.
Sunday morning during the sermon I thought I heard a phone vibrating on silent. On checking if it was mine, which it was, I realised it was Regis calling. The RN (registered nurse) had tried to call Kat several times but by now she was well out of range at sea. Kat had previously wished to be the first contact even while she wasn’t in Perth and I had forgotten to let Regis know she was at sea and to call me first. The nurse told me she had called the ambulance. I told her Mum was not to be taken to hospital as it caused her too much stress. The nurse said we had not filled out her Advanced Health Directive. I insisted we had done so in October and that it should be on file. I was furious that the treatment which had been chosen for Mum was not being carried out. The family, government agent and Regis staff had been at the meeting when this, plus palliative care had been discussed. This RN had messed us around once before with another matter and I was not happy. She eventually passed the buck by asking the paramedics to speak to me. They said that Mum’s oxygen saturation was low and they were rushing her with sirens blasting to hospital. What was I to do! I wanted what was best for Mum and because they said she was not struggling against them, I said ok I’d meet them at the hospital. Wrong decision!
I raced home to change my shoes and grab something to eat to take with me, not knowing how long I’d be there. I also asked my neighbour if she could take me. I’d drive her car there, as she didn’t like driving, she could then drive it home. This way I didn’t have to park at the hospital and spend a fortune on parking and I could take public transport home.
When I got to the hospital I inquired after Mum and was told I would have to wait till she was examined. After half an hour, I inquired again, letting them know that Mum, who has Alzheimer’s, maybe stressed and asking for me. Finally, someone came for me. Mum was stressed. She was trying to take the oxygen tubes out of her nostrils and bit the nurse; another nurse received a needle prick wound when trying to take blood. This meant they needed to take more blood from Mum to clear her of any infectious diseases. Mum wasn’t happy, she also pulled the headband off which was monitoring her vitals. Finally, the doctor who was treating her came to speak to me. She said Mum’s white blood count was normal, her saline level was high, which was probably because she hadn’t been eating or drinking and she might also have a brain bleed. Because Mum has Alzheimer’s, there was not much point in doing an MRI; she also didn’t seem to be in pain, just agitated, so there was really no need for her to be admitted as a patient.
I asked the doctor if she was a Christian. She said she was so I explained to her I wasn’t that concerned with Mum’s physical health but more so her spiritual wellbeing. She needed the Lord before she died. The doctor said she understood. I told her the family and Mum had clearly stated that we didn’t want intervention to extend life but just to keep Mum as comfortable as possible. The doctor agreed, as there wasn’t much a hospital stay could do. She instructed intravenous antibiotics to be given and for Mum to be sent back to Regis. This, as you can imagine, was not an easy procedure and took the rest of the day to organise. In the meantime, they needed Mum’s cubical for another patient.
As I was helping to move Mum I heard my name being called. Turning around I saw my favourite granny, Margaret. She sat beside me on the back row seats at church. I had just prayed for her this morning as she was complaining of chest pain. Margret had a big grin on her face. I proclaimed “Margaret you had better stop following me around like this!” We laughed. She said friends at church had panicked thinking she had heart problems and called for an ambulance. The following day I called her at home to see how she was. Praise the Lord she hadn’t had a heart problem but it is better to check these things out to be sure.
Wheeling Mum to another cubical I recognised another familiar face, this time from Regis. Ellie was with her father, James, he too hadn’t been feeling well. I told Ellie, “Mum just came in to check up on James, she hadn’t wanted to miss out on the party.” We laughed. Residents and their families are like our extended families now.
Mum was still very agitated and wanting to go home. I explained in a way she could understand that we were waiting for the bus and because it was Sunday they were not as frequent but it would be here soon. That seemed to help for a while till she forgot so I’d repeat it till finally, the paramedics arrived. I let Mum know our bus had arrived and we were being transferred so she would need to be moved to another bed to take her to the bus. The paramedics went along with my story saying our bus was the last one in the row but was leaving as soon as we boarded. Once we were all settled, Mum immediately calmed down and slept.
We were both relieved to get back to her familiar surroundings. The hospital ER was far too noisy, with monitors beeping, alarms going off, patients groaning and staff chattering and rushing around the cubicles. Not a place to rest or be at peace.
It was just before 5pm when she was finally settled in her room where she accepted oxygen and slept. I left exhausted! While in hospital I had spoken to Jen in QLD and WhatsApp’ed Kat on the ocean, even sending a message to Tricia updating them on Mum’s condition. Kat and Jen asked if they should come to Perth. I said yes as the doctor said she might not last the night. Mum’s a tough old thing and I was sure she would bounce back like she had in the past but just to be on the safe side it would be good for them to come.
I hitched a ride to the closest bus stop with a resident and son who were going out that evening. I then walked 20 mins waiting for the bus. It had been raining off and on and I was too restless to stand around so I walked along the bus route till a bus picked me up heading to the train station where I could catch a connecting bus home. By the time I arrived home I was totally shattered! Still, I didn’t sleep well and woke just after 11pm, staying awake for 4 hours before falling asleep again, then waking around 6am.
Monday morning I rang Regis for an update and was told Mum was resting peacefully. I went to my Monday morning Bible study, but as there were quite a few members missing, we decided to spend time in prayer instead. I was just opening in prayer when my phone rang. It was Regis saying that Mum was not eating or drinking and I should come in.
I contacted the girls to say Mum was going downhill fast. Nezka came in while I was there. Mum was semi-awake. I asked if she wanted some water, she shook her head. What about ice cream I asked. She nodded. I asked the staff but they were concerned that she would choke as she was unable to swallow her tablets, food and even water. I reassured them that being a mothercraft nurse who was used to feeding babies I would be able to manage. Nezka was also concerned. I reassured her that as long as Mum swallowed she would be ok. I told Mum I had the ice cream and asked if she wanted some. Mum, still with her eyes closed, which was common for her these days, opened her mouth. She accepted the tiny bit I offered on the tip of a teaspoon. I waited. Then reminded her to swallow. Yes, great. “Do you want some more?” I asked. Her mouth opened again like a little bird. This went on till she had eaten about three-quarters of the ice cream. Her empty tummy gurgling. Poor old thing she hadn’t eaten for a while. Little was I to know this would be her last food. Well, at least it was her favourite food.
Nezka left a little later to pick up her kids, both Jen and Kat had spoken to Mum on WhatsApp and Tricia arrived at 4pm, which was my cue to leave. I kissed Mum goodbye on her cheek and left.
I didn’t sleep very well that night either but needed to be up early to help out at church making coffee for the North Beach primary school teachers. I rang Regis to say I would be in later. When I arrived around 10am the staff were washing Mum. She had been put on a low dose of morphine to help her breathing and sedated to help with the agitation. Later I found out they had rung Jen to ask if Mum should be tube fed. She said no. Mum didn’t want to have her life extended unnecessarily. She never wanted to be in residential care and she didn’t believe in extending life, especially as she had Alzheimer’s. She had a bad heart and kidneys which were slowly shutting down, especially now that her fluid intake had ceased.
While I was there, Tricia came for a short visit then returned with her husband Trevor and eldest son Noel. I stayed at Mum’s side. She was breathing heavily. When Tricia and family left I got Kat and then Jen on WhatsApp for a chat. Kat was at the airport in Headland waiting for a flight to Perth. Jen was boarding a flight from Maroochydore to Sydney. Both had a quick facetime chat. Then I was alone with Mum.
I had asked the Lord for a quiet time alone with Mum and grabbed the opportunity when it arose. Mum was in a very sedated state but I’m sure she could hear me. I played Christian music in the background and even sung ‘Amazing Grace’ and ‘The Lord’s My Shepherd’ before reading it from the Psalms. I then felt led to ‘stand in the gap’ for her salvation. I prayed, remembering that the Lord had asked for a man to stand in the gap for Israel’s sins, but found no one (Ezekiel 22: 30 “And I sought for a man among them, that should make up the hedge, and stand in the gap before me for the land, that I should not destroy it: but I found none.”) With this and the intercession of Daniel (chapter 9) on my heart, I began to pray for Mum. 
I prayed for God’s mercy, compassion, grace, and love. I asked Him to forgive Mum for turning her back on Him and asked Mum to come to Him for forgiveness and not to be afraid but to take the hand of Jesus and surrender to Him. I have always believed the Lord had put me as His lamb for my household (Exodus 12:3). I was His representative and the priest for my family, to intercede on their behalf, and so I did. After some time of prayer, I felt led to reassure Mum that she could rest in His love, take His hand and go with Him to where Dad was waiting for her along with her son David, sister Mary and Mum and Dad, so not to be afraid.
Mum looked peaceful and I felt at peace too. I think after this I sang a few songs and just trusted Mum into the Lord’s loving hands.
Not long after this I kissed mum on the forehead and let her know I was taking stuff to the car and would be back later. I was out of her room for about half an hour. I had an appointment with Regis manager in regards to the stuff-up on Sunday regarding the Advanced Health Directive and taking Mum to hospital against our wishes. I was reassured the RN was in the wrong and that all the residence’s files were easily accessible and she should have known where to find them.
Leaving our meeting I grabbed a coffee and headed back upstairs. At this precise moment, Tricia entered the building. Hmmm, I thought, this will be interesting with us both in the lift together. I made light conversation saying Mum looked peaceful and rested. I then allowed Tricia to go ahead of me to Mum’s room to have some time alone with Mum.
I stopped to chat with staff and Ellie who I’d seen at the hospital. Ellie, who was visiting her dad, said she had just popped in to see Mum and commented on how peaceful she looked. As we were chatting I heard loud wailing. I knew it was Tricia and rushed to Mum’s room. From the doorway, I could see she had gone. I left Tricia with Mum to inform the staff. No one, especially Ellie, could believe it. I felt Mum, who I believe was now at peace within herself, felt free to let go. I continue to believe she is in the safe Hands of the Lord. Since her passing, two people have reassured me that when praying for Mum they both believe they received a sign of Mum’s salvation through the hymn ‘Amazing Grace’. This hymn was also one of the hymn’s Mum had chosen for her funeral.
I packed up a few of Mum’s things to take home before picking Kat up at the airport. I had called the funeral home to let them know they could pick up Mum’s body but called them back to ask if they could leave it till Kat had seen Mum. Later Kat spent time with Mum as I cleared out the room. I’m one who needs to keep busy as it helps me get through things.
Jen was still stuck in Sydney waiting for a connective flight. I tried to arrange for Mum’s body to be left till Jen arrived but was told midnight was too long to wait as she had died around 12:30pm. This really upset me. I’m one who likes closure and seeing Mum I believed helped with this. Jen would have liked to see Mum as well, but only at Regis in her own room, not in any sterile surroundings.
I dropped Kat off at Jan’s, a family friend’s home, where she has stayed before, then went home to try to tidy up a bit before picking Jen up. I thought it better I pick her up as I’d need to be awake to let her into the flat anyway and I wasn’t sleeping well and getting extra tired might help with this. It didn’t! Still, it was nice to have Jen stay.
The next couple of days were a blur of activities! Kat walked to the beach to spend some quiet moments before heading to my place where we planned the day. Wednesday, we had an 11am appointment at the funeral home to finalise Mum’s funeral arrangements. Mum and I had worked on what she wanted for her funeral which had surprised me as she had given much thought to it, including the hymns she wanted. Pre-paid funerals are a must. It really takes the pressure off the family. There were only a few other things we had to organise, including pay for the four white doves which Mum wanted to be released after the service.
After this meeting, we met with one of my pastors, Alan Raven, who I had asked to take the service. We then went to Regis to pick up Mum’s pot plants and for Jen to talk to staff and family of some of the residents. Mum had influenced many people even here, with her larger than life personality and infectious love of life.
Alan helped with the funeral programme as well as organised the afternoon tea at church to celebrate Mum’s life. My sisters and many of Mum’s friends were very impressed with the way my church family gathered around to help; how church offered to hold her wake in the church coffee lounge with all the helpers stepping forward to lend a hand. I truly am blessed with such an amazing church family. It was such a great witness to all of Mum’s friends too.
The Service at Pinnaroo Cemetery saw people from all walks of life who knew Mum. Christmas Island friends from the fifties, pottery friends whom she had taught or those involved with the Perth Potters Club, dog walkers whom she had met at the parks and bushlands around Trigg, swimming friends from Mettams Pool, neighbours she met while walking her dogs or going to the beach, friends of her daughters, including recent friends made while at Regis plus others. We heard many stories of how people had been inspired by Mum.
People gathered and chatted before the service and again afterwards. Jen and Kat read out the eulogy which was taken from things Mum had written for us to use.
Mum had asked that friends and family placed a flower from their garden on her coffin. Someone mentioned they had never seen so many flowers on a coffin.
All went smoothly until we were releasing the doves. It started raining then the dove owner handed us the birds from the eldest to the youngest of Mum’s daughters. I thought she would just open the cage and release the birds but no. Tricia didn’t want to hold the bird so asked her granddaughter who struggled to hold the bird and eventually let it go ahead of time. I must admit it was difficult to hold them. Finally, the three remaining birds were released into the rain. They soared into the clouds, circled around, then took off for home. It was a lovely gesture. Mum’s great granddaughter was upset she had let go so soon but we reassured her it was probably what Granny had wanted anyway. She always was very independent and did things her way, which inevitably was not the norm!
We gathered in the reception area for a light snack before some of us headed to the Church. Previously someone had come to me to say I’d left the car lights on. Kat had gone to turn them off but it was too late, the battery was already flat. We had all come together so now hitched a ride with those heading to the church. I took a lift with my Nigerian friend Grace, who had arrived late, as someone had run into her car on route to Pinnaroo!
My church family had done a wonderful job at volunteering to help out with teas and coffees, some had brought a plate of snacks too. How blessed we are to have church family. During this time Alan helped out again, inviting people to come and say a few words on how Mum had touched their lives.
Before leaving the church I was offered a ride back to Pinnaroo to jump-start the car. I then met up with family friends as well as Kat, Jen her son Matt for drinks and pizza to finish the day.
It’s been so nice having Jen and Kat around. This time has brought us closer together as we worked through things that needed to be done and spent quality time together. We were all too busy to grieve.
Saturday we all took time out to just unwind.
Sunday was breakfast at an Indian restaurant in Fremantle, where Kat said they served dosa. I drove us all down, then, leaving them there I drove back for church. That afternoon was our second Hymns and Gospel Songs at Regis. Unfortunately, I hadn’t called ahead as the place was in lockdown due to an outbreak of influenza! Still, Patrick and I visited his friend and sang to her, which she really appreciated as she misses Christian fellowship and singing. I’ll have to ring ahead next time!
Monday Jen and son Matt and Kat’s ex, Peter were flying back east. I went to my Bible study group. As it finished, I caught myself just before saying something to one of Mum’s friends, then decided I would say it anyway. In the past, I had often picked Jan up when visiting Mum as she didn’t have transport and getting to Regis on public transport is very difficult. I told her I was about to offer her a lift next time I planned to visit Mum. We laughed, she said she would speak with her directly and pointed towards heaven. It’s amazing how our minds work, thinking of the things we use to do before the change.
I walked home and waited for Jen and Matt to pick me up for Yum Cha, in Northbridge. It was nice having a farewell lunch with them. Kat and Peter joined us later, before Peter drove Jen and Matt to the airport. Kat and I drove back to my place where Kat picked up her suitcase, which she had left last time. She also borrowed the car so she could visit a few friends before she flew out early Thursday morning.
Tuesday I helped out as usual at church, making the coffees to be taken to the teachers at the primary school across the road. This time I stayed behind to clean up, as Chris rushed off to an appointment. As I walked home I was talking to the Lord asking Him what this new chapter of my life would hold now that I no longer have Mum to look after. There are so many possibilities! I’m excited to see where He leads.
That afternoon Kat picked me up for an ice cream at Hillarys, where both of us often went with Mum for a treat. We sat in the sun with our memories before I dropped Kat off and returned home alone. I’m going to miss my younger sisters. We have grown much closer together while working together these past days.
Sadness eventually catches up as I slowly go through some of Mum’s things, reading her little notes and photos.
Thanks again to everyone who has prayed for Mum’s salvation. I honestly believe our prayers have been answered.
Please continue to pray for Trisha’s reconciliation with her three sisters especially Jen and myself and for the Word of God which was spoken at the funeral, that it will bring forth the fruits of salvation. Thank you again for all your prayers for us.
Isaiah 55: 10-13
“For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it. For you shall go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and the hills before you shall break forth into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands. Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress; instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle; and it shall make a name for the Lord, an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.”
Thank you to all my supportive friends. It has been a hectic time, very surreal. I think Jen, Kat and I were riding on a high since Mum’s death; I’m sure it’s because of all the supportive prayers. There have been moments of sadness but that’s understandable. Please pray we don’t come crashing down but the Lord continues to cover us with His Shalom Peace.
I wanted to let you all know a bit about Mum’s passing especially the bits I think will encourage all those who have been praying for her.
Photos: 1. My Geraldton wax 2. Mum and I at Regis first year opening celebrations two weeks before she passed 3. Mum enjoying her ice cream 4. Mum in your younger days 5. Jen, Kat and me at Yum Cha 6. Mum and Dad 7. Coffin covered in flowers 8. Ps Alan Raven 9. Four doves 10. Tricia, Kat and Jen when the dove escaped 11. Friends and family gather after service 12. Jen, Peter, Matt and Kat in Freo before our Indian breakfast 13. The team on Trigg Beach 14. Mum’s funeral program
Prayer & Praise Points:
Praise the Lord for His peace, strength, patience and enabling. It is truly comforting to know He is with me in all the challenges we have faced recently.
Praise Him for the nine months Mum has had at Regis Residential Care and for the staff who loved and cared for Mum in a very special way during her short stay from 18 October 2018 – 11 June 2019.
Please continue to pray for the salvation of my sisters and especially for reconciliation between Tricia and her three sisters.
Pray that all the paperwork needed for Mum’s affairs and for the Public Trust to be completed without too much difficulty and that Mum’s Will is not contested or causes any friction between her daughters.
I appreciate your ongoing prayers for the business, Senior’s Benefits and Rewards. I will now have the time to concentrate on getting it done.
Thank you to all my supportive friends and prayer partners; it’s such an encouragement to know you are all standing with me.