Everyday Challenges

Just before Kat arrived back on her fly-in fly-out visit there was a discussion on what to do now that it was getting dangerous for Mum to drive the gopher.  Both Kat and I were concerned not only for her safety but the safety of others.  I have also been told that if the person has had their driver’s licence cancelled due to the lack of cognitive ability, then they shouldn’t be driving the gopher either.  The Jen, Kat and I decided it was better to sell the gopher especially as Mum had somehow blown the charger.  She had told Kat on her last visit that she remembers one day when she had plugged it in that there was a loud bang.

With this in mind we decided the best thing was to remove the gopher.  Mum had been asking me to contact someone to fix it.  With this as our guise, one Wednesday while she was at her community outing, I drove it to my place and placed an advertisement on Gumtree.  Boy! Was that the wrong thing to do!  She didn’t realise it was gone till Mother’s Day.  She tried to call me three times while I was in church, my phone was off.  Thank God, Jen called her for Mother’s Day and was able to calm her down.  She was ranting and raving how I had gone behind her back and taken the gopher.  She was right of course but Jen reassured her that I had probably just sent it away to get fixed.  I received Jen’s SMS and called her back to discuss the situation.  We decided the best thing was just to leave the gopher at Mum’s.  Thank God it hadn’t sold!  I was about to take it off Gumtree when I saw a message had been left. “From: eldest daughter.  Hi Sally, Do not reply to me on this issue. BUT please explain to Mum that you are selling her gopher. She has been in tears all day over missing her gopher and now I have found out where it is!!! ”   I of course replied, letting her know that was exactly what we had decided to do and I was driving it back the next day.

Well, we had learnt our lesson.  It was easier to leave things as they are than to further antagonise the situation.  And what’s more I’m the one who gets the flack and has to deal with the consequences.  I am not at all happy with this either.  So now the gopher is back in the house, it can’t be charged and the key has gone ‘missing’ so can’t be driven anyway.  I was very glad that there was enough in the battery to get it all the way back before the battery faded!

Mum is now happy to just see it there. For awhile she hasn’t thought of driving which I’m thankful for.  Although she has asked if it can be fixed, we have decided, to avoid an argument, to tell her the charger can’t be replaced as it’s a very old model.  I hate being so deceptive but sometimes to avoid an ongoing battle it is easier.   Then in July I called to say I was on my way and she said a neighbour was helping her get the gopher going.  I asked if I could speak to him and then explained the situation.  He was very understanding as he had also had a parent with dementia.

Not having the gopher has not kept her at home.  On occasions she has walked quite a distance over the hill to the beach.  I know this as one time I had a call from Baptist Care to say she was not at home for the carer.  I tried calling her on the mobile and was very surprised Mum answered her phone as she rarely takes it with her.  She told me she was at the beach and had met a friend.  I asked her to wait there as her carer, Belinda, was coming to get her.  I also spoke to her friend, Dorothea, who told me Mum had walked down with Suzie and was looking for a lift back.  I rang Baptist Care to let them know where Mum was, to be picked up.  I then tried calling Mum three time after this to let her know someone was on their way but every time I could hear Mum saying she couldn’t hear me.  She had forgotten how to answer the phone! Eventually, Belinda answered the phone to let me know she had arrived and would take both Mum and her friend for a drive before taking them both back to Mum’s. Good thinking Belinda!

There was another muddle-up not long after this, when Kat arrived for five days before flying on to Eumundi.  It was Saturday when I received another call from Baptist Care to say Mum wasn’t at home for her carer’s visit.  This time I gave them Kat’s number.  Kat had forgotten to check the whiteboard roster and had taken Mum out for lunch.

I’m not totally off-duty during Kat’s visits.  One Saturday evening Kat had been invited to a friend’s birthday and asked if I could help out with Mum’s dinner.   Saturday’s are also the bread run so I called Mum to tell her I’d be there just after 5 pm after picking up an easy meal en route home. On another occasion I received a call from Mum’s gardener as I had suggested he try to fix a broken pipe on Mum’s reticulation.  I was going to try to get there later that day but because I was just finishing up our Monday morning Bible Study group I really wasn’t in the mood to run up to Bunnings to get pipe and joiners!  I suggested we work on it next month.  Sometimes things just get too much and it was my break: I was hoping Kat could have been there to help out.  I didn’t feel like I had much of a break this visit although Kat says she will be back after two weeks to stay for five weeks.  That will be great, I already have things planned.

While Kat was here we also organised a joint bank account into which money can be put for Mum’s shopping and expenses.  This wasn’t as easy as it sounded, as Kat and I have had challenges with certain banks in the past and didn’t want to open an account with them.  I did a bit of research and left some brochures for Kat to read on her return.  She was still at work and feeling sea sick in the high swells while trying to clean the gully.   I was also waiting for Mum’s new Administrator to set up the direct debits to pay Mum’s bills.  This eventually was left for me to do as I had the phone authorisation for most of her bills.  I was looking forward to having everything in its proper order again instead of using my credit card for everything.

Before Kat’s visit I had been taking Mum to the Scarborough Pool.  We have had such amazing warm sunny days.  Mind you, not warm enough for me to go swimming.  On one occasion we went to the beach at Hillarys Marina but after having to walk some distance out in the shallow cold waters I decided the pool was a better bet.  The water is heated (although not enough for me); there is a ramp with hand rails to help Mum get in and out (whereas the ocean is often too rough, rocky or too shallow which makes it difficult for Mum to get out as she needs the water to hold her body weight as she stands up).  Going swimming is also a great opportunity for me to swap all her clothes.  The good thing is she doesn’t remember what she was previously wearing, so doesn’t question it.  I have noticed people with dementia are reluctant to change their clothes which I’m sure is the reason you often see the elderly wearing soiled clothes; either that or they haven’t realise they have dropped food down their fronts.

One of my greatest frustrations is Mum’s behaviour towards her dogs.  Mum thinks I dislike the dogs but in actual fact it’s her behaviour which I dislike.  There are a few things that I dislike about dogs, but it’s mostly to do with their owners and the lack of training.  It probably stems from working on farms and stations where I have seen well trained dogs and how better behaved they are.  I have never liked slipping food off the plate for the dog or feeding dogs at the table.  Mum had stopped this for a while as I remember coming home in 2015 and while eating lunch in the garden she asked me not to feed the dog at the table.  I laughed to myself as this was something I had constantly asked her not to do.  Unfortunately, it didn’t last, as her memory has slipped back to the old habits and not only does she secretly give scraps off her plate, she doesn’t remember when she has fed the dog, who is getting very fat.  This continual feeding of the dog has caused Suzie to hang around Mum constantly looking for food or licking the crumbs off her clothes, which is very irritating and annoying.

Neither of us were in a good mood after coming back from the pool, we were probably both tired.  After an episode of hiding food off her dinner plate for the dog, my frustration got the better of me, I warned Mum that if she didn’t work with me I wouldn’t be able to come around which was helping her stay at home and if I couldn’t keep coming she would need to go into residential care.

I realise the Lord is dealing with some of my attitudes and behaviours that are not pleasing to Him, some of which I stubbornly hang onto, although I know I shouldn’t.  I’m praying for His wisdom on how to overcome this constant challenge with Mum.  I am aware He lovingly allows events like these to help me learn and to be conformed to His image.  It is of course what is best for me but sometimes we humans are blind to these things and want to hang on to old habits.

I was emotionally exhausted that night and fell asleep quickly around my usual time of 9 pm.  Then by 11:30 pm I was awake!  I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep again for hours so decided to unload my thoughts and feelings in this blog and to the Lord.  Like a debrief session.  In the past I have spoken to my friend Elaine, who is in the Middle East, 5 hrs ahead of us.  This time I didn’t have enough data due to the uploads for Mum’s Gumtree advertisement.  After tapping my thoughts out on the computer, I eventually thought I had better try to sleep.  It took me another half hour or so to eventually drift off.  By this time, it was close to 4:30 am, my usual wake up time.  I woke just after 7 am, forced myself out of bed, as rain had been predicted for the next few days, I made an effort to go for a jog, otherwise I might miss out for a few days.   It was lovely being out in the cool, early morning sunshine; it helped me to clear my head for the day ahead.

That morning a couple of guys arrived to replace cracked tiles on the roof.  We had to get them painted to match the colour we already had as they were no longer being produced.  I was glad they were coming before the rains, as they mentioned how bad the tiles were on my roof and that the coming rains would have soaked through to the ceiling.  I had previously mentioned this to the unit manager who had reassured me that the cracks had been siliconed and they would be fine.  I wasn’t so sure and had pressed to get new tiles as I didn’t want my ceilings to get water stained again especially as I had just had them all painted last year!

Later that morning I had a call from Baptist Care to say that Mum had a friend with her and didn’t want the carer who had just arrived.  I called and chatted to Mum, whom I’d already spoken to that morning, the carer Belinda and Mum’s old friend.  Belinda was very understanding and I was happy to give her permission to leave.  I was glad Mum’s friend had arrived, she was able to reassure Mum that I did want to keep her living at home as long as possible.

Two days later all was forgiven and forgotten, back to usual, or so I thought.  Mum is picked up three times a week now for her community centre activities.  She had been asking me, nearly every day, when was the bus coming to pick her up.  I asked her if she wanted to go an extra day per week, which was available for her.  These days I usually go around to make sure the house is locked up, as she often wants to just go once the driver arrives.  On one particular morning I arrived early to find she was still at home.  The driver had been twice but she was still hesitant to get out the door. She told me she didn’t want to go but knew she would enjoy herself once she did, but the driver would not stop talking and it was driving her mad!  I gestured for the driver to stop talking and wait outside while I encouraged her out the door.  She eventually left, after coming back inside several times thinking she had forgotten something.  I reassured her all was well, passing her jacket to her as she finally left.

Once Mum has gone out, I am free to tidy up, rearrange things, change her bed linen, collect her underwear which is often drying having been rinsed not washed, put things away and generally do things that she doesn’t allow me to do when she is home.  This day I also noticed she had forgotten her medication, which was still in the blister pack.  I rang through to the community centre to ask them to remind Mum when they dropped her off, leaving it on the kitchen counter in full view.

The next morning I received a call from Mum’s doctor’s surgery to ask if I had seen my mother that morning!  I was shocked, thinking something was wrong, I began to worry!  Yes, I had called her as I normally do to let her know what she was doing that day. Why?  The receptionist told me Mum had called them the previous day to say she had a handful of medication and should she take them.  I knew instantly what had happened.  Mum had been given the medication she had forgotten to take that morning, when she was dropped off from the community centre, and because she thinks she is taking too many tablets, had rung for the doctor’s opinion.  Had I thought more quickly, I would have asked the receptionist why she hadn’t rung me immediately after Mum’s call the day before?  Firstly their call had sounded like I was being accused of overdosing my mother and secondly if they were so concerned why hadn’t they called me to let me know immediately?

Mum often calls me to ask when the bus for the community centre is coming on days when she is not being picked up, so now I call her to let her know what she is doing that day.  I have also arranged that all her bills get sent to my PO Box or email address and not to Mum’s.   Unfortunately, this did not happen with her community outing bill which Mum received an outstanding bill for over $200.00 due to the cancelation of her bank accounts.  I arrived one night to see the bill on her side table and Mum stating she no longer wanted to go.  When her back was turned I whipped the bill away and it was soon forgotten.  A benefit to having Alzheimer’s.

I hadn’t paid this bill as I was waiting to know from Jen if we were going to use the joint account which Kat and I had opened for shopping, or another account.  Mum’s accounts and credit cards had been frozen, so all direct debits had been stopped while a new system was being set up to pay bills.

I had already asked twice for the bills not to be posted to Mum’s so I rang again to make sure the address was changed to my PO box just in case it happened again.  I also explained that Mum no longer wanted to attend due to the cost and that my job as her carer wasn’t made any easier having to cover for their mistake.   I spoke to them about having the cost covered by Mum’s funding which Baptist Care had.  I had previously asked if this could be done but had been told no.

I rang Baptist Care again and was told a different story.  They asked me to send the community centre bills to them as they were sure they could pay for them from Mum’s funding.  This was a huge relief and blessing as there is quite a bit in the funding for Mum, which, once she enters into residential care, will not be refunded.

At the beginning of June Mum and I had another falling out.  I was feeling overwhelmed at having to go to her every evening and needed a break.  Unfortunately, I hadn’t found someone whom Mum accepted, to help out with the evening meals.  I needed to hang-in there till Kat returned later in the month.

On Western Australia Day holiday I invited some church friends to my birthday celebration at Yum Cha.  I invited Mum to join us as I didn’t want her to feel she was missing out.  It wasn’t easy for me, although she behaved herself quite well.  After this she did play up again and I must admit I didn’t deal with it very well.  So on Sunday at church I asked for prayer.  I was quite teary and wondered if I would survive till Kat came.

That following week I really felt the Lord’s presence and strength and His hand upon Mum as she was really quite cheerful and easy-going.  Then, just a week later she was grumpy again.  Tuesday I suggested we go out to see a movie.  Her friend Jane B had given us some money on her movie pass, which was soon to expire, a great opportunity to go.  With Mum’s companion card we had an even greater incentive, as this gave me free admission.  I reminded Mum in the morning, then asked her carer Belinda to remind her before she left, I then called Mum just before I came.  She was ready when I arrived which meant we were a little early so I bought us both a hot chocolate and brownie before going in.  It was quite obvious which cinema doors to go in as it was the only one where all the seniors were heading at the furthest end of the hallway.  Why the furthest end of the passage was chosen for a movie which obviously seniors would attend, I had no idea.

As we were approaching the doors, I mentioned to Mum I would get her seated before going to the loo.  Praise God I mentioned my need as Mum said she also needed to go.  We then walked all the way back up the long passage-way before returning just before the advertisements started.  Please, does anyone know why advertisements need to be so loud?  I had my fingers in my ears till the movie started.  One of the adverts was for an up-and-coming children’s movie, explaining that the sound during this movie would be turned down.  Why for the children and not for adults too?   Yes, they have more sensitive ears but I would have thought the sound needed to be higher as children fidget and talk!  Maybe the sound is higher for adults as many have damaged their eardrums through excessive loud music or working in a noisy environment or aging.  But why just the advertisements on full volume?

Mum enjoyed her outing which was the main thing.  I thought it might be nice to take her more often, if something reasonable came up.  I’m hoping while Kat is here I can take Mum out a couple of times a week just to do nice things together.

Photos:   1. Birthday bunch from Jen & Kat     2. Mum on her gopher     3. Mum at Scarborough Pool      4. Hair cut     5. Yum Cha lunch      6. Friends at Yum Cha     7. My birthday dinner with Mum at Hillary’s

Prayer & Praise Points:
Praise the Lord for His ongoing strength and wisdom while assisting Mum with Alzheimer’s.

Praise Him for Kat’s return this month for a total of 10 weeks (end of June & August) I’m going to enjoy my break and God-willing, work in my garden.

Please continue to pray for the right residential centre for Mum when she eventually needs to move out of her home.  She is on several wait lists but a room becoming available often takes a long time.  I believe the right place will come at the right time.  It’s always the Lord’s perfect timing.  I’m trusting Him to make a way where there seems to be no way.  Amen!

Please continue to pray for Trisha who has cut herself off from us, her sisters.  Please pray for reconciliation and peace between us all.

I appreciate your ongoing prayers for the business, Senior’s Benefits and Rewards, which is getting closer and closer to being launched.  We would still love to find someone to assist us with marketing ideas to help us move forward.

Thank you once again to all my supportive friends and prayer partners; knowing you stand with me in prayer is a real encouragement and strength.